…that whispering absolute bollocks will get you nowhere

Belly laugh of the week – Guy Ritchie and Madonna and their alleged “whisper therapy” at the première of his film. Grazia (15 September) ran an a feature claiming that the couple use this secret ritual “to strengthen the intimacy between them, particularly when they’re in a crowd.” I’m sure it makes a change from playing eye-spy-with-my-little-eye-something-beginning-with narcissist….

The article goes on to reveal -

“‘It’s not about saying: ‘I love you.’ It’s about saying specific things. When Guy first saw Madonna come out of the car, he said the word “beautiful” to her. She replied with the word “macho”. During the evening, they whispered random words, from “clever” and “powerful” (her to him), to “mysterious” and “smart” (him to her), said the source.’” (Grazia 15-09 p.14) 

Whispering, huh. This may be Kabbalah-speak, or the latest psychobabble on Oprah, but surely we could all learn a thing or two about our oral technique. I don’t know about you but I’ve been labouring under quite the illusion. (Settle down at the back now, and Relate & Marriage Guidance do keep up)

Good head is all in the whisper.

And contrary to current laws about public acts of indecency, whispering won’t cause any offense. Unless, of course, your whisper exchange is along the lines of –  ’darling your bum in that dress is “stunning”‘, ‘your chewy overcooked chicken is “perfect”‘, ‘your tummy in those jeans is “rock hard”.

Then whispering absolute bollocks really is the way forward.

But whatever you do, strike a line through blatant bad-temperedness…

“‘It’s not about saying: ‘your face doesn’t move much these days and your legs are like bananas on steroids.’ It’s about saying specific things. When Guy first saw Madonna come out of the car, he said the word “transvestite” to her. She replied with the word “fucktard”. During the evening, they whispered random words, from “wanker” and “loser” (her to him), to “hag” and “butch scarecrow” (him to her), said the source.’”